Starbucks to Start Selling Study Drugs this Finals Week

In addition to being open 24/7, the Strozier Library Starbucks has something special in store for its coffee crazed customers. Starting this finals week, Starbucks will be offering study drug alternatives to caffeine, because sometimes coffee just doesn’t cut it.

The popular coffee establishment found that they were losing business among FSU students because who needs caffeine when you can contact your local drug dealer for an Adderall or two? So Starbucks supplied their demand. A representative from Starbucks says they even hope to eventually add hallucinogenic brownies to the menu for those special snowflakes more commonly known as art majors in need of inspiration.

But local drug dealers (mostly ADHD students with an Adderall or Vyvanse prescription paid for by their parents) are beginning to revolt because Starbucks is beating their prices and offering the drugs at a much lower rate. One dealer is especially concerned due to the fact that Starbucks has mad connections, and is able to get ahold of vintage drugs like Valium. “They’re good man. I don’t know how they do it. I can’t even get my hands on Valium in the first place.”

So when it comes to your irresponsible drug induced study binges this finals week, pay $5 a pill no more! Capitalistic competition has a new face and that face is Starbucks vs. your local drug dealer.