Fraternity Brother Falls Off Back of Moped, but at least He Didn’t Look Gay

A local fraternity was shaken up this weekend when one of its brothers was struck into a coma after falling off the back of a moped. According to reports, Chad Burkowitz fell off after refusing to hold onto the driver’s waist because he “wasn’t about to look like a fuckin’ homo, man.”

Burkowitz is not the first to suffer a completely avoidable moped related injury. In fact, falling off the back of a moped in attempt to not look gay has officially surpassed alcohol poisoning as the number one cause of death in conservative, college-aged, white males. “Well what the hell are we supposed to do, look gay?” Said frat president Griffin O’Doyle. “That’s out of the question. This school’s getting gayer and gayer every day. I mean even the new logo looks like it’s about to take a dick.”

The increasing gayness of this university is a big concern amongst the Greek community, who held their annual Old South Parade last week to honor a time when homophobia and racism were truly in their prime. “The good ol’ days!” remarked frat pledge Logan Reed as he straightened the confederate flag hanging in his dorm window and chugged a room temperature PBR. “Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh yeah, Burkowitz. It’s definitely his fault. Riding on the back of another dude’s moped is gay no matter what. And if he ever wakes up I think he’ll find this was just God’s way of telling him to stop being such a pussy.”