Breaking Down the Candidates for FSU’s Next President
This summer has been a busy one for the people of Florida State University. In between pretending to care about soccer and trying to keep Jameis Winston away from Publix, the university has also been tasked with trying to find a new president. Unfortunately, the search so far has been nationally regarded as a giant clusterfuck, with multiple media outlets and faculty members calling the search a “sham”. So, in order to help you understand the process, we have put together a list of the top candidates being considered for the job along with their chances of being hired:
John Thrasher
When former President Barron left in April to pursue his interest in mixed martial arts, the university immediately put together a committee to find his replacement. After months of searching and trying to figure out exactly what it is a university president does, the committee came back with one name: republican state senator John Trasher. Thrasher is the former chairman of the Republican Party of Florida and co-chair of the George W Bush reelection campaign. He also has zero experience in education or in working for a university, however he did recently watch Pitch Perfect so he pretty much knows what goes on. Yet, despite his lack of any relevant experience, the university believes he is the only man for the job, refusing to even interview anyone else. It wasn’t until massive outrage led by FSU faculty and the media that the university decided to reopen the search and look at more candidates. Still, most people believe the fix is in and Thrasher will undoubtedly be the university’s next president.
Chance of being hired: 90%
Any Woman or Minority
In Florida State University’s 127 year history, there has never been a full time president hired who was not a white male. Current interim president Garnett Stokes is not being considered for the job.
Chance of Being Hired: 0%
Whoever Loses the Governor election
These two assholes will be running for governor of Florida this fall. The good news is one of them will lose and be unemployed. Florida State would be a good fit for Rick Scott because he could work at a university that cares as little about education as he does. Meanwhile Charlie Crist is a die hard Seminole fan and would love nothing more than to work at this school, but if it doesn’t work out he can just switch to being a Gator fan and try to work there.
Chance of Being Hired: 1%
Roberto Aguayo
The Freshman made 21 of his 22 field goal attempts last year on his way to winning the Lou Groza Award for the nation’s best kicker. Unfortunately, his obligation to the football team might prevent him from putting in the time requirements needed to be president of a major university.
Chance of Being Hired: 2%
Craig from Biology Class
Craig got pretty good grades last year and just barely missed out on the Dean’s List, but both his parents are still really proud. However, Craig is looking at going to grad school and doesn’t know if accepting the job as president is the right move at this stage in his life. Also he’s kind of a dick.
Chance of being hired: 3%
Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un
Kim Jong Un would bring an experience in leadership that most of the other candidates severely lack. While his political opinions are not quite as radical as John Trasher’s, his strongly held belief in communism and totalitarianism might cause some controversy if hired. Kim Jong Un has also stated that he would only accept the job if FSU hired Dennis Rodman as the new basketball coach
Chance of being hired: 0.5%
Cory from Cory in the House
Cory already has experience in a presidential capacity and his hire could only lead to success and hilarity. On the other hand, Cory is probably not even aware that FSU is searching for a new president and it is unclear if he ever even went to college.
Chance of being hired: 1.5%
One of the Squirrels
The FSU campus is filled with squirrels, it’s hard to imagine there’s not one who has the qualifications and experience needed to lead this university. And to be honest, most people would rather have a squirrel president than the republican.
Chance of being hired: 2%