Freshman Disappointed to Discover Sorority Rush Week Nothing Like Porn Videos He Watched

Incoming freshmen Spencer Greene spent his first night on campus disappointed and confused after quickly realizing that the college experience is nothing like how it is portrayed on Pornhub. “I’ve been preparing for my first night in college for years by watching these videos. But now I’m starting to realize that maybe the college girls I’ve seen online aren’t necessarily similar to girls that actually go to college.” From the start, Spencer’s brief experience at Florida State has been extremely disappointing. “When I got to campus and saw the packs of sorority girls walking around I thought ‘hey, I know what they’re about to do.’ But then I followed them for hours and not even once did they all take off their clothes and run around naked like in that one American Pie movie.”

Spencer’s first day in the dorms went equally as bad. “The first thing I did after my parents dropped me off was to go to the room of girls at the end of the hall because I thought for sure they would invite me in to have sex with all of them” Spencer recounted as he bitterly took down his Van Wilder poster, “but when they answered the door they were just in regular clothes, reading and watching Netflix. And then they acted like I was the weird one for even suggesting it.”

Spencer plans to spend these next few days trying to find where the “I’m Shmacked” videos were filmed. But no matter what happens, Spencer promises that he is not giving up. “Do you think I came all the way to Florida State for the academic prestige? No. I’m here because of the Girls Gone Wild commercials that would come on after midnight on Adult Swim. I know those people are out there somewhere.”