SNL Pays FSU to Take Kenan Thompson for Just One Fucking Night

Florida State announced last week that actor/comedian Kenan Thompson will be opening for John Mulaney at this year’s Pow Wow. This has sparked much excitement within the student body, most of whom still think Kenan is “the one who loves orange soda.” However, no one is more excited than the executives at Saturday Night Live, who have been trying to get rid of Kenan for a long time. “I would have paid any fucking price to get Kenan out of my hair for one night,” said SNL creator Lorne Michaels. “I don’t think he’s ever going to leave. Seriously. I found an air mattress in his dressing room the other night.”

Kenan has been a cast member on SNL for eleven seasons now, although even new cast member Michael Che says it feels like a lifetime. Jay Pharaoh is excited to have Che on the show so that Kenan “will finally stop asking me to be Kel.”

“Every week before the show, Kenan warms up the audience with some stand-up material,” said cast member Vanessa Bayer. “No one ever asked him to. He just started one day, and any time someone tries to talk him out of it, he just breaks into the ‘What Up With That?’ theme song.” Mike O’Brien, a former writer and one-season featured player on the show, has even decided to return to the writer’s room this season just to spend less time with Kenan. SNL has actually tried to let Kenan go for the past six seasons, but every time, Kenan cries that he has nowhere else to go, despite having a wife and infant child at home.

In contrast to the relief felt by everybody at SNL, FSU is very excited to welcome Kenan to Tallahassee. Even if his standup set bombs, he could always fall back on a 15 minute long Big Sean impersonation. Whatever happens, Pow Wow 2014 is sure to be "All That."