Sadomasochist Pledge Disappointed by Lack of Fraternity Hazing

Each pledge season, fraternities at Florida State University bring in a wide range of people, from white males who secretly respect females and hate themselves, to white males who openly disrespect females and love themselves. Freshman Curtis Bottoms, however, decided to rush a fraternity to be a part of the legendary hazing. “After years of hearing stories that sound completely illegal and cruel, I was so excited to finally be a part of such a fucked up culture. My ass has been a shoo-in for a brandin’!” After being accepted as a pledge for “FSU’s most prestigious Fraternity”, Pike, Curtis could hardly wait for the pain to begin. However, much to his disappointment, “Hell Week” consisted mostly of coming up with silly icebreakers while DDing, drinking Bud Lights while playing Xbox, and being forced to support the John Thrasher administration. Even when sharing sex stories with his future brothers, Curtis found that not one of them owned their own ballgag or buttplug, and they seemed appalled at his extensive collections of both.

Currently, Curtis is struggling with having gained his freshman fifteen from slipping roofies into his own drinks and forgetting the last time he ate a meal. “I’ve seen more tears and hugs than blindfolds and whips, and I am fed up. This place is softer than 50 Shades of Grey.”

Curtis plans to give Pike a couple more weeks of trial, but if nothing changes, he plans to move on to his second choice, Baptist Collegiate Ministries. “I’m willing to convert to anything so long as the punishment is right. I’ve heard they don’t even let the guys there jack off… now that’s hazing!”