Sorry For Fucking Up The One Chance I had to Make a Difference - An Editorial by FSU Student Body President Stefano Cavallaro

  To my fellow students,

My name is Stefano Cavallaro, and I’m the student body president here at Florida State University. Now, some of you may be thinking, “I don’t remember voting for this guy.” You’re right – you probably didn’t. But it doesn’t matter because thanks to the farce that is the Ignite Party, I ran unopposed, and now I get to do whatever I want. I’m writing this because a lot of people have been upset at me ever since I voted for John Thrasher to be our next president, despite the fact that over 70% of students felt that he was completely unqualified for the position. So to all of those people I just want to say I’m sorry; I’m sorry that I know what’s better for you than you do.

As student body president, it’s my job to represent the student body – a duh. But when you get to sit behind a sweet desk and nobody even tries to take it away from you, you lose sight of your priorities. Look, I’m not saying I ran for this position to make a difference; that would be a lie. Never in a million years did I think I would have to do something that actually mattered. I ran for this position because I figured it was the closest I could get to being important without ever actually doing any work. But even though I couldn’t really care less what any of you nerds think of me, as evidenced by my cop-out vote in the FSU presidential election, I guess it would make me look good if I at least pretended to have given it a second thought.

The funny thing is, this isn’t even the first time I’ve misrepresented a bunch of people, I’ve been doing it my whole life. Whenever I was captain of the kickball team during recess, I would always pick the slowest, fattest kid first just to piss everyone else off. Then in high school, whenever my friends and I wanted to order pizza, I always ordered it with anchovies, despite the fact that over 70% of those surveyed in my Statistics class said that they felt anchovies were completely unqualified to be on a pizza.

Now look, I understand why everyone is disappointed in me. As one of only thirteen people getting to pick our next president, I had the opportunity to make a real difference, and instead I chose to side with political cronies, climate change deniers, and the brothers of Pike. But truth be told, I have a lot of faith in John Thrasher. He’s a lot like me – we were both undeservedly put into positions of power because of a flawed system, and we’ll both continue to make decisions that only benefit ourselves and further tarnish the reputation of Florida State University.

Sincerely,

Stefano Cavallaro

Student Body President

Biggest Coward on Campus