6 Practical Uses for That New Textbook You’re Never Going to Use

1. 50 Shades of Grey Decoy: Despite having already read it under your covers at least 4 times during high school, you’re still a little iffy about breaking out the 50 Shades of Grey book in public. Your useless textbook can serve as THE perfect 50 Shades decoy, just in time to reread it before you “ironically” go see it on Valentine’s Day. Just open your ridiculously sized Chemistry textbook and slip 50 Shades in nonchalantly and you’ve got a portable book jacket.

2. High-Brow Coffee Table Book:

Your coffee table looks pretty weak right now. Sure, you have that one book about John Lennon your uncle got you for Christmas in 2008 and a copy of Atlas Shrugged you and your local senator never actually read, but that’s not exactly cutting it. A Film Anthology textbook placed strategically on your coffee table would show your friends that you’re not fucking around, and totally are planning on seeing Selma like any day now.

3. Balance The Beer Pong Table:

The beer pong table’s been a bit shaky ever since your token fat friend Brian decided to use it as a makeshift bed last semester. Luckily, you’ve got a 3-inch thick CGS book with a durable cover that you weren’t planning on using for anything else except learning how to stream porn more efficiently. Unfortunately for you and Brian, that chapter was left out of the text, but fortunately for your beer pong table, it's never been less wobbly.

4. Bulletproof Vest:

As recent events have proven, your textbook can actually be used as a bulletproof vest to help you survive a life-threatening situation. Whether your book is protecting you inside your backpack or strapped to your chest like a life preserver, there’s no safer way to soldier through your time at Florida State than with the extra precaution of a book barrier. The bigger the book, the better, so don't be afraid to splurge on the gigantic, otherwise completely useless textbooks you usually avoid buying.

5. Shortness Overcompensation.

Not only is Brian kinda chubby, he's also short and not nice about it. You can use your textbook to finally give that 5”5 asshole with an inferiority complex the overcompensation he requires to be slightly less of a dick. He’s been pretty salty ever since he didn’t make the basketball team in middle school, and this will hopefully chill him out until the Entourage movie comes out. Help him strap two books from your Women in Literature class to his feet and watch him attempt to slay at Coliseum this weekend.

6. Reading!

As you’ve just learned, textbooks have limitless more practical uses, but you CAN also read them. This is done by first opening up the book, and then reading each page from left to right while comprehending what the words mean in your brain. You can read your textbook in your apartment, in the library, or even leaned up against a nice tree on Landis. You might even find that reading your textbook can help you in your classes; but no promises.