Student Union to be Completely Renovated into World’s Largest Chili’s

FSU students, faculty, and alumni were met with mixed reactions this afternoon when it was announced that the fairly popular, average sized Chili’s in the union would be expanded to encompass the entire Oglesby Student Union as soon as fall 2015. The plan is a part of FSU’s latest initiative to minimize any useful student resources, and focus all school funding entirely on athletics and fried food consumption. As part of the new Chili’s expansion, the restaurant will now house everything in the current student union, including Paint a Pot and Club Downunder. “This new union will be great for everyone,” says owner Mark Murkowski . “Starting next year you can go to a concert, create art and go to an SGA meeting at same time, all while eating mozzarella sticks!”

Since its opening, the FSU Chili’s has been regarded as the third best bar on campus, falling behind only the bar in the bowling alley and Suwannee when you sneak in mini bottles of liquor to spike your soda.  In an attempt to be the number one spot to legally consume alcohol on campus, Murkowski intends to renovate the entire second floor of the union into a bar/dance floor and rename it Club Chill. “Finally FSU will have a student union they can be proud of,” Remarked Murkowski as he purchased a poster of “The Dude” at Market Wednesday that he plans to hang in a men’s restroom. “Now everyone will have to agree that we’re the best restaurant on campus. FUCK YOU DENNY’S!”

Despite objections from Pollo Tropical and Papa Johns, Chili’s will proceed with its expansion as planned. “I just don’t understand what all the hullaballoo is about,” remarked President John Thrasher while eating an entire Big Mouth Burger in a single bite. “Sure your tuition will go up a little bit, but I’m also gonna make sure each classroom at FSU comes equipped with free chips and salsa from here on out, so you’re welcome.”