Fucking Derek Asks Another Stupid Question During Class
A chorus of audible groans resonated throughout Fisher Lecture Hall this morning as self-proclaimed student extraordinaire, Derek, asked yet another ridiculous open-ended question during the middle of class. Around 10 AM, junior Derek Dillenhall reportedly reclined his chair all the way back, casually half-raised his hand, and then proceeded to ask a fucking pointless question that barely pertained to the Microeconomics lecture he was in. “Derek pulls this kind of this shit every single class,” commented Derek’s classmate Shelby Vurro. According to Vurro, Derek has been known to ask upwards of 8 questions per class, only to divert each question into a five-minute speech about his own personal opinions. “At this point, I’m pretty sure he’s doing it to convince himself that he’s not crazy.”
Derek refuted Vurro’s claims, stating, “I like to think of every classroom I’m in as a ship, with me as its fearless captain, leading a never-ending voyage for knowledge.” Derek then went on to explain to reporters the legacy of the 1982 television series, “Knight Rider” for approximately thirty minutes.
Economics professor Roy Goldberg claims Derek’s classroom presence has even negatively affected his own personal life. “Whoever said ‘there are no stupid questions’ clearly never had the misfortune of meeting Derek,” said Goldberg, clenching his head in one hand and a bottle of Jameson in the other. Goldberg says he turned to the healing powers of alcohol to cope with the stress of Derek’s constant inquiries. “It started out with just a few sips before class, just to make the kid bearable, ya know? But one day Derek questioned the existence of dinosaurs in the middle of my lesson on Market Equilibrium, and I had to up my dosage. Derek has taken control not only of my class, but also my sobriety.”
Derek’s classmates are currently mentally preparing themselves for Friday’s lecture, in light of Derek’s most recent tweet regarding his theory about the political ties between Whole Foods Market and the Islamic militant group ISIS.Keep up with Derek's rants on Twitter @musingsbyderek or don't and lead a happier and more fulfilled life.