FSU ALERT: URGENT CRIME BULLETIN

A message from FLORIDA STATE UNIVERSITYCrime Bulletin – Prevention Tips Reinforcement

It has been made apparent that our previous crime prevention tips are not preventing crimes. Three out of the past seven days a female has reported a case of battery- which is two more days than we feel comfortable with as a respected university. Due to this, we decided to get together and craft a new set of highly effective tips to guarantee student safety and awareness.

Crime Prevention Tips: 1. Scream for the entire duration of your time spent outdoors. 2. Make your new curfew brunch. 3. Invest in medieval body armor. 4. Be in a constant state of prayer. 5. Live in constant fear. 6. Try to resemble a white male in whatever way you can. 7. Print out this email and tape it to your forehead. 8. Kill yourself.

OR, we as a 42,000 student population could try to work toward educating people and creating a society where we don’t fucking rape each other.

This information is provided as a public service of the FSU Police Department, and is intended to assist you with not making uninformed decisions, and making you feel bad about yourself if you do.