Most Popular Hairstyle Amongst Freshmen: ‘Whatever’s on My Fake ID I Guess’

Local hairdresser Melissa Bennett is no stranger to annoying requests in her line of business. From unflattering undercuts to the 20+ girls a week who ask for “something a little edgy and different, like an ombre,” Bennett is used to staying quiet and giving the customers what they want. But no customer is more prominent this time of year than the freshman who comes in solely to be styled more like the person whose picture is on their fake ID. “It’s gotten to the point where when somebody wearing a lanyard walks in, I’m afraid to even ask if they have a picture they want to show me before I start,” said Bennett as she hopefully researched whether or not she has a legal obligation to report these students for being so stupid. “You’d think they would at least be smart enough to pull up a selfie of whoever’s old ID they have, but they just slap their fake right on the table and say ‘this please,’ seemingly oblivious to the felony they’re casually committing.’”

“I never thought I could pull off bangs, but then my sorority sister Angie let me have her old ID and the ability to drink vodka sodas despite never having voted in an election gave me the strength I needed to rock them,” remarked recent customer Juliana Turner. “I just wish my cowlick wasn’t so bad, then my life would be perfect.”

Despite all her research and strong personal reservations, Bennett was unable to find any legal excuse to refuse to perform fake ID haircuts on customers. “It makes me feel dirty doing it, but then again so does touching the greasy ass hair of 60% of my dye customers, so whatever life is full of grey areas I guess.”