7 Signs Your Mom Doesn't Miss You

Around this time of year, freshmen at colleges all over the country start getting a little homesick. As the freshness of the new school year wears off, students miss the comfort of a bed not made out of styrofoam, food that doesn’t violate any health codes and most of all, they miss their moms. But do their moms feel the same way? Here are seven surefire ways to tell your mom doesn’t miss you.  

1. She’s posting on Facebook more

Your mom’s Facebook presence has reached new highs, which you first interpreted as a desperate cry for attention, but you are starting to realize is just a clear indication of how much more free time she has now that she doesn’t have to do everything for you short of wiping your ass. She’s posting statuses, sharing viral videos and her profile pic is no longer of your ugly self -- it’s her enjoying a margarita on a Wednesday, which used to be your special night with her, where she did your laundry and you neglected to acknowledge her presence.

2. She’s getting into exercise.

She’s been talking about getting back to the gym for years, but she never had time between coming to your sporting events and getting yelled at for embarrassing you in front of your teammates. Now she’s got a new pair of Nikes, calling herself “health goth” and is attending a regular spin class while you gain the freshman fifteen and discover a newfound hatred for pizza

3. She’s joined a book club.

To be quite honest, you didn’t even know your mom could read until earlier this month, when she posted an Instagram of herself reading The Color Purple in the new family den, which strangely resembles your old bedroom

4. She’s not taking your calls.

No matter what time of day you call her, you get your mom’s voicemail. Yesterday, her office told you she was at lunch at 8:30 A.M. You even tried to text her and you got hit with a “new phone, who dis?” Yikes!

5. She’s cut your face out of all of the family photos.

You finally got a hold of her via FaceTime after your promised your little brother $20 to make her answer your call. While she rolled her eyes at every life update you gave her, you noticed something strange in the background. There are little black ovals on all of the family photos and they are all in places your face once was. When you tried to confront your mom about it, she “accidentally” dropped her iPad into the new hot tub that retailed for the exact worth of your childhood bike.

6. She’s offering to help you get legally emancipated.

You were so excited when you got a notification from the UPS store on campus: a care package!! That’s why your mom has been acting so strange - she wanted to surprise you. She really had you worried there for a sec. But when you opened up the box, there was just a folder of papers labeled “The Idiot’s Guide to Emancipation,” a feather quill, and a small pot of ink.

7. She’s fled the country.

Upon this package delivery, you skipped class and drove five hours home, only to find a new family living in your house and a box of your old shit marked “FREE -- PLEASE TAKE!” in the front yard.