Local Student Finds New and Innovative Ways to Make Tragedies About Herself

Between regular school shootings, rapidly rising suicide rates, and the recent news that bacon causes cancer, it’s often hard to find one's place within all this loss, especially when one’s place is completely irrelevant. Through imaginative expressions of narcissism ultimately aimed at receiving attention on social media, local sophomore Heather Chandler prides herself on her ability to regularly find new creative ways to make each and every tragedy about herself. The 19 year-old Chandler began her long journey of making tragedies about herself after the time she “almost could have gotten shot at the library, I SWEAR,” had she not been in Wal-Mart buying an ear wax removal kit that night among other reasons. “I transferred to FSU from Tallahassee Community College the semester after that horrible, painful catastrophe. But if my credits transferred right and my ear wax was under control, it could have been me. I get chills just thinking about it,” said a distressed, teary-eyed Chandler. “I mean, some of my best friends have been to Strozier before.” Chandler’s original status about her brush with mortality yielded her 123 likes on Facebook and was the subject of a well-received piece on a Greek-life run website whose main purpose is to complain about stuff for internship credit.

Sources say that Chandler’s stories of affliction have yet to stop. “Last month, she posted a selfie of herself in a ‘sexy firefighter’ costume on 9/11 with the caption “like every year, my heart is so heavy today. My 2nd grade teacher’s brother’s friend’s dog’s G*dfather (AKA Dogfather :P) was a firefighter in New York. Not New York, New York, but the small town of New York, Iowa. Still, what are the chances? #LOVE to all the firefighters of this great country. #OurNationsHeroes #NeverForget #latergram #sexy.”

“I guess for me, it’s all about making sure people know that I’m both interesting, and well-versed in current events,” remarked Chandler while setting her phone to get CNN news updates just for shootings. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with raising awareness on all the tragedy that faces the world, especially if I look adorable doing so.”