Amy Schumer Denied Request For Pow Wow Wristband

FSU’s Homecoming week is quickly approaching, and with it of course comes the largely anticipated Pow Wow celebration in the civic center. This year however, students are experiencing new frustrations with the updated ticket confirmation system, which has replaced the previous system of getting in line at 5 PM and drinking vodka out of a water bottle until showtime. Thousands of people have already been denied access to wristbands, including Pow Wow comedian Amy Schumer, who was surprised to find that headlining the show does not guarantee her admission. “Wait, what the fuck are you talking about? I can’t get in? Are you kidding me?” Inquired hopefully-still-headliner Schumer as she texted John Mulaney and asked if this was why he pulled out of this shitshow last year. “When I hosted Saturday Night Live, not only was my ticket a given but they let me have 20 guest tickets! And those things are infamously impossible to get! The Homecoming Committee told me I’d be ‘lucky to get in myself at this point,’ and that my friends can just ‘find a Periscope or something.’ Not to be a diva, but Jennifer Lawrence definitely isn’t gonna stand for this shit, so I guess ya’ll can forget that cameo we were planning.”

“The fact that Amy Schumer assumed honoring us with her presence at this event would mean she didn’t have to participate in the wristband confirmation system like all FSU students says pretty much all you need to know about liberal Hollywood,” said FSU president John Thrasher while painting a cooler for his date to the Zac Brown Band concert. “Somebody’s gonna have to let Amy borrow their student ID to get in or else I just may have to get my buddy Colin Jost to pull through again. Jost’s Netflix-only film Staten Island Summer was 10x better than Trainwreck anyways so I’m sure the student body will be stoked.”