Student Starves To Death Rather Than Grocery Shop Week Before Break

Freshman Marco Alvarez died early Tuesday morning, a mere week before Thanksgiving break because he refused to go grocery shopping. According to reports, Alvarez made the decision to fast not for religious or moral reasons, but because if he went grocery shopping too soon before break he wouldn’t be able to eat all of it in time before going home for a week, and it would all go bad. Alvarez thought that he had perfectly planned out his trip to Publix so that he would have just enough nonperishable food to eat before he went back home, but by the time he realized his miscalculation, he had already checked out. His body was found among empty ramen noodle containers and countless empty bags of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

“It’s a tragedy, but I don’t blame him,” said friend Stephanie Montero. “I mean, I have trouble not letting my kale go bad when I’m home, even though I’m posting pictures of it--I mean eating it, daily. Buying a shit ton of it before going home for a week would just be ludicrous."

According to evidence from Alvarez’s Tinder feed, he appeared to be attempting to seduce men on Tinder into buying him dinner, an effort that unfortunately yielded no results. “Marco? Oh, was he that cute guy who said I ‘had to buy him dinner first?’ What’s going on with him?” inquired Alvarez’s Tinder match Destin Wallace. “Wait he’s dead? What the fuck. I would have bought that poor guy some Gumby’s pokey sticks if I’d known it was that serious.”