Study: UF Students Spend More Weekends in Tallahassee Than FSU Students

A new study has found that, despite being so far up their own university’s ass that they can see out the mouth, UF students still prefer to spend their weekends in Tallahassee. According to research gathered by anyone with eyes, for every joke a Gator makes about FSU football, crab legs or STDs, they spend 3 weekends in Tallahassee, pretending the person they’re visiting is the only reason they’re here. “Going to UF was the worst mistake of my life,” said undercover G*tor Robert Santos while hiding in a Gilchrist closet, smelling his friend’s State shirts and listening to the war chant. “Before you judge, every UF kid has been here before. There’s only so many times I can smile while wearing orange and blue before I just have to accept that all my Tallahassee friends are happier than I am and ever will be.”

“While I talk about the high standard of admission here a lot, I actually had to lower my personal standards substantially in order to even convince myself to brave the Gainesville club scene,” said another lizard person, who asked to remain anonymous. “I forget what it’s like to see guys I would actually want to sleep with until I step foot on Florida State’s beautiful, rich, brick campus. I would fuck any building there before I would fuck any of my peers. Except Bellamy.”

The most interesting finding is the 0.9 correlation between Gators who ask FSU students whether they were rejected from UF and people who spent hundreds of dollars a year in gas and booze expenses travelling to Tallahassee for the objectively better environment. “Every night out here ends the same,” said UF ‘student’ Alex Marklin. “I get into the nearest Uber and tell him to just keep driving. I get to Tallahassee for like $200. Definitely worth it. Go Noles.”