Recovering Sophomore Proudly Reaches Tenth Month of Denny's-Free Eating

Florida State sophomore Dan Powers is proud to have made it into his second February as a student at Florida State, not only because he’s managed to stay exploratory for this long, but because he’s entering his tenth consecutive month of Denny’s-free dining. This feat is made especially impressive because Powers lives in Ragans Hall, so his only other dining options include an apple slice put between two pieces of dry wheat bread at Rising Roll and whatever pastries he can make into a meal at Starbucks. “I’d like to not only thank my dad, who has been fully supportive of me for the two months during the summer I lived back at home over the past ten months, but the guy who makes the pizza at Suwannee,” said Powers, who hoisted up his marble trophy of a Grand Slamwich with the words “TEN MONTHS SLAMWICH-FREE” on the label. “The transition from Denny’s to Suwannee went so smoothly, my bowels didn’t even notice!”

“Yo, seriously, that kid has some bowel movement issues,” said Powers’ suitemate, Andrew Sweeney. “He has one of those plunger holders by the toilet but it doesn’t have a plunger in it, it just has this big bowl of Imodium. If he has to go to Denny’s, why doesn’t he just do it to buy a s’mores cookie and a Monster because he waited too long to use his VIP swipe like everyone else?”

Although Powers is proud of his ten months of Denny’s sobriety, he’s not sure he’ll be able to finish out the semester quite so strong. “I still remember when Denny’s had half-off Grand Slams during finals week last year. Only then did I learn that you could get chocolate chips on your pancakes, and that overdosing on diner pancakes is a real threat to freshmen and lonely upperclassmen everywhere. For the sake of my super legitimate flirtationship with the girl working the Chick-Fil-A counter, let’s hope they don’t do it again.”