Super Bowl Sunday is just two days away and everyone across the country is sounding off about it.
With the Senate voting to reopen the government tomorrow, the impact of political dysfunction is still visible across federal services.
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On Saturday, Aziz Ansari became Hollywood’s latest man on the chopping block for sexual misconduct allegations. Much to his chagrin, wearing a “Time’s Up!” pin to the Emmys and writing half-assed jokes mocking men that disrespect women weren’t enough for his part-time feminist agenda to keep him safe from the emboldened grips of people who actually understand what it means to, you know, support and protect women.
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In its latest attempt to please its reptilian donors, the GOP is set to pass a tax bill with the lyrics to Shane McMahon’s “Here Comes the Money” hand scribbled in the margins of all 479 pages to ensure that future generations are buried beneath a swelling avalanche of debt.
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Last Tuesday, the Federal Communications Commission noticed there was too much happiness in the air with the anticipation of delicious home-cooked turkeys and pumpkin pies. As a result of this unusual upbeat atmosphere, the FCC moved to repeal the Obama-era net neutrality regulation.
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Tuesday was the anniversary of Trump’s election day, which naturally brought back all previously suppressed memories of politely excusing yourself to the bathroom to sob into your #ImWithHer t-shirt at whatever growingly upsetting function you attended to watch the election.
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In this modern era, it’s impossible to make teens wait for anything. Whether it’s pirating half a season of Game of Thrones weeks before the premiere or stomping on a McDonald’s counter demanding Rick and Morty nugget sauce, these rowdy pre-humans have no patience.
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Feeling unduly welcome at an institution that celebrates slimy reptilian predators, white supremacist Richard Spencer was just spotted scurrying into Ben Hill Griffin Stadium holding a bottle of Drano, chanting, “It’s great to be a Florida hater.”
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As Kyle Ellington Butts IV and his brothers in Delta Rho Alpha awakened for day three of their Wake Forest victory hangover, a collective growl of disapproval rose from the sticky floor of their frat house up to the smoke-stained ceiling, where the PBR rats had grown to an unusual size.
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Just as the cracks in the Arctic shelf and the depletion of the ozone layer can very fucking obviously be attributed to the fault of humans, attitude problems in nature can apparently be attributed to the folly of man. As tension in the cloud community rises in a battle for who humans think is cuter, Altostratus Cloud has taken bullying to the next level (the stratosphere, that is).
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Wow, that sucked.
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Donald Trump announced Thursday that he will withdraw the United States from the Paris climate accord as the next step in his quest to undermine everything Barack Obama ever accomplished.
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You may have been played, America. It's been 13 days since Pwesident Twump’s last decisive military action — or at least the last one to show up on my Facebook feed — and in the eyes of one reporter, that seems long enough for a childish warmonger to experience a complete change of heart.
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After news broke this weekend that President Trump removed Surgeon General Vivek Murthy from office, the nation and acting Surgeon General Trent-Adams were all wondering who would become the next king of the doctors.
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Today, grandparents across the globe are emerging from the wreckage of empty Peeps cartons and half-eaten chocolate bunnies.
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Maintaining his reputation as a callously Dickensian cheapskate even in the face of tragic humanity, President Trump announced on Tuesday that Syria would pay for the 59 Tomahawk missiles fired at Shayrat airfield last week. The invoice, which Trump mailed personally, asks for “eight Mar-a-Lagos worth of money” to be paid in full immediately to offset the million-dollar-each catalysts for another expensive and aimless war.
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Pepsi, the second choice for children everywhere, managed to disappoint adults last week through an advertisement that appropriated protest imagery for the purpose of selling a fizzy drink.
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Just a few days ago, April 2017 was declared Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month by President Donald Trump. Staffers and surrogates advocated on behalf of this new initiative as they worked their way through cable news shows that the President likely spent the whole day watching.
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Mystery Inc. has done it again. Coming out of retirement for one last puzzle, Scooby and the gang have successfully stopped the disastrous AHCA bill that would not have come to fruition regardless of their involvement due to its incredibly faulty policy.
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