Out of Control Stage Moms Threaten Flying High Circus’ Reputation

FSU Flying High Circus members have been extremely busy over the last week and a half with their spring show “Platinum.” The show features stilt walkers, jugglers, trapeze acts, roller-skating, and various acrobatics, most of which are very physically demanding, and are certainly taking their toll on the performers. However, no one is more worn down than the circus moms, known among the circus’ security team as the “Ringling Mothers.”

Most of the moms have quit their jobs to become full-time circus moms—sewing their children’s costumes, bringing them coffee and snacks throughout the day, and learning their choreography, all of which their children have deemed “beyond unnecessary” and “the reason their dads left.”

The moms pregame for the shows by taking Prozac and crying into their high school yearbooks, and then sneak into the dressing rooms to slip performance-enhancing drugs to their children. When they finally make it to their seats, the moms continue to spread rumors about the performers until the lights go down. When the show begins they proceed to do strange dance moves to the music and heckle the acts that their children are not part of.

“My goddamn niece could juggle, and I once dropped her on her head when I was baby-sitting,” claims one mom, trying to discreetly light a cigarette.

“Shut up, Nancy; your son does the stilts. Drag queens do that shit in New Orleans every day” says another mom while taking a swig of her “homemade iced tea.”

By the end of every show, at least three moms have been escorted out, two are passed out in the stands, and one is stuffing her face with a funnel cake. Security says that next year, there will be a board with photos of mothers who have been escorted out more than three times, and will only be allowed in if they agree to wear a straitjacket. Said one unfazed circus mom, “It wouldn’t be the first time.”