FSU Congratulates Tallahassee Police Department on its Role in the National Championship

Florida State University held a special ceremony this morning to honor the brave Tallahassee Police detectives who played a crucial role in securing a third national championship for FSU by not doing anything at all.  The special recognition comes in light of a New York Times article published today that revealed Tallahassee Police repeatedly mishandled and ignored evidence in sexual assault allegations against Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston.

“There were a lot of important people who helped us win this championship like Kermit Whitfield and Mario Edwards Jr” said head coach Jimbo Fisher “but none were more important than the Tallahassee police officers who didn’t even try to contact Jameis Winston until two months after the incident took place. It takes a very special person to hear about a horrible assault that happened to a 19 year old girl and decide to not do anything, especially when you’re the police. But as we constantly find out, the Tallahassee Police are capable of anything.”

Lead investigator, Officer Scott Angulo has been hurt by some recent criticism thrown his way for how he handled the case. “Listen, there have been a lot of victims in this whole situation but none more so than me. Everyone feels so bad that this girl got hurt but no one cares that my feelings have been hurt too. I mean, how do you expect me to run a thorough investigation when I have so much FSU football games to watch? I try to do some investigating during commercials and halftime but that’s about the best I can do.”

Jameis Winston was so moved by Officer Angulo’s speech that he gave Angulo his Heisman Trophy saying “You deserve this more than I do. I couldn’t have won this without all your help.”