Local Molly Considers Changing Name

Spring will soon be sprung here in Tallahassee and with it hopefully FSU students will start tweeting about something other than Tally’s crazy winter weather. I know, it’s nuts! But with new seasons come new frustrations and nobody is more frustrated this time of year than your local Molly.

It’s tough to be a millennial Molly year round, but spring is especially difficult for Floridian Mollies who, due to the popularity of the culture surrounding Ultra Music Festival, are faced with painstakingly overplayed “pop a Molly” jokes annually. The local severity of this issue often misconstrued, given Tallahassee’s significant distance from Miami.  “That’s the only reason I even went to FSU in the first place,” adds one local Molly. “I really wanted to study abroad somewhere with totally different drug slang words, but you know, the economy I guess.” She’s not alone. As recent studies report, over 70% of millennial Mollies in the United States regularly fanaticize about living in a place where it’s still called MDMA.  Unfortunately for most of FSU’s Mollies, Bright Futures Scholarships can only be redeemed towards the purchase of an in-state education. And as for the current state of Florida culturally, we might as well all be in Miami, bitch.

Molly-centric discrimination is only the beginning of the problem. The culture is spreading. It’s infiltrated us first with its overused jokes, then with its music, and if we don’t act soon its chemically induced learning disabilities will inevitably drop the bass in our brain functioning. When asked to comment on this cultural crisis, FSU President Eric Barron completely ignored us and instead sang a pitchy rendition of Jesse McCartney’s 2008 pop jam “Leavin.”  Thankfully, Not only Mollies, but local Mary-Janes, Lucys, and one really sensitive Addison who goes by “Addy” for short, have refused to change their names. Instead, these brave women have made it their mission to change the conversation.

So give Molly a break this spring, and instead let’s pop a prejudice.