Wednesday marks another class of uncomfortable thirst observation for the students of Introduction to Fiction Writing as they were forced to endure another round of classmate Paula Hayes’ horrendous flirting with their professor.
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Donnatella Moss is a senior at Florida State, and, like all students who have an exploratory major for too long, she is a Psychology major. For some time she has vlogged about unconfirmed conspiracies involving the Psychology department, but now claims she has proof. This morning, she reported an uncomfortable incident that occurred earlier in the day.
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In a night described by an over-neoned flier as “a chance to live like Kings,” Tallahassee's hottest club Coliseum will be celebrating Martin Luther King Jr. Day tonight by charging a $15 cover to grind on a stranger’s half-boner while a remixed version of the Oscar-nominated film Selma (ft. Diplo) plays in the background.
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Aries: Your Racist Classmates Aries is the first of the zodiac signs. These talkative and self-oriented folks tend to be impulsive and usually don’t think before they speak.
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As the semester gets into full swing, many newer students are leaving behind their bad habits of last semester for happier, healthier lives this spring. Amongst these students is freshman Will Bailey, who spent all of Wednesday debating whether he would like to keep eating garbage at Fresh Foods, or switch things up a little and start eating garbage at Suwannee.
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Not to be outdone by a measly $100 million donation to Florida State’s entrepreneurship program by the Jim Moran Foundation last month, Florida State’s own University Housing has announced the single largest donation of mold in state history to the lucky residents of Smith Hall.
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A new study conducted by top researchers at Florida State University in conjunction with your really disgusted suitemates has found that the music playing and shower going is fooling no one. They definitely know you’re pooping.
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Florida State students could not believe their eyes when Jack Lansing strutted into his 9 A.M. lecture with nothing but a pen in his hand and a leather jacket slung over his right shoulder. Armed with a false sense of confidence based solely on his amount of Tinder super likes, Lansing knew nothing in class would be important enough for him to need something to write it on, but he should at least bring a pen for any ladies that might want to take down his number.
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Students at Florida State are not quite sure if their advisors exist. After e-mailing her advisor and then later trying to meet with her in person, student Valerie Manning was still unable to talk to someone about her classes.
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After wrapping up a restful winter break in their respective hometowns, most members of the “Tally Frandz ;)” GroupMe have returned to school refreshed, reenergized and ready to brutally exile sophomore Alec Wellington from all friend activities for the remainder of their time at Florida State.
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A new semester is here and Florida State students are returning to Tallahassee well rested and ready to take on the new year. Common resolutions include losing weight, studying more, and trying not to cry oneself to sleep as after experiencing the crushing realization that life is inherently meaningless and nothing matters.
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With finals wrapping up and the start of winter break, FSU students are now beginning the riveting car rides back home consisting of “no I totally do not have to pee” reassurances and keeping your cool about not playing “I Spy” because you’re an adult now.
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Florida State student Shane Sage has been hitting up his crew nonstop this week but cannot seem to find anyone to turn up with him. His closest friend and trusted confidante Durg Boomer finally took a break from Orgo to remind Shane that everyone, including him has finals this week and that pregaming in his dorm room before grinding on girls who definitely won’t hook up with him but will let him buy them several drinks with his fake ID is not the best use of his time, at least not this week.
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Your parents began work early Monday morning transforming their luxurious coital lair back into your boring old bedroom. Your mother lamented the passing of time as she began to take down the plentiful dildos lining the walls of your room.
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With finals week in full swing, stressed and frustrated FSU students have begun binge drinking coffee and leveraging the “season of giving,” hoping that their one friend with an Adderall prescription will catch the gist. Florida State, always a compassionate institution, has in response temporarily changed name of its “FSU Secure” wifi network to “FSU Insecure,” to mirror the collective feeling of disdain across campus.
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As the fall semester comes to a close, many Florida students are making preparations for their future, from applying for internships, to spiraling into a black hole of self doubt, to practicing the speech they will give their loved ones explaining how they failed yet another baby bio class.
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1. Backgammon.
Back in the day, the REAL ragers were when everyone would drink warm milk and play backgammon while Louis Armstrong played on vinyl. “Pregame” was the 10 minutes spent heating your milk on a cast iron parlor stove before the backgammon match.
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Local it girl Cassie Worthington and her friend group, which she refers to as her “Taylor Swift squad,” came up with the groundbreaking idea to throw a party in which people celebrate wearing ugly sweaters and avoid calling them “Cosby Sweaters,” a term inspired by a person that most people do not want to be associated with as of late.
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Starting off strong, sophomore Lewis Anderson began preparing for his final exams by getting a head start on his inevitable breakdown. Rather than trying to avoid it, Anderson decided to dive in headfirst by spending his Tuesday morning laying in his bathtub and crying into a lukewarm Hot Pocket.
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In another instance of privileged people wilding since the dawn of time, unofficial White Student Union Facebook pages have been surfacing across the World White Web this month.
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