Not to be outdone by a measly $100 million donation to Florida State’s entrepreneurship program by the Jim Moran Foundation last month, Florida State’s own University Housing has announced the single largest donation of mold in state history to the lucky residents of Smith Hall.
Read MoreA new study conducted by top researchers at Florida State University in conjunction with your really disgusted suitemates has found that the music playing and shower going is fooling no one. They definitely know you’re pooping.
Read MoreFlorida State students could not believe their eyes when Jack Lansing strutted into his 9 A.M. lecture with nothing but a pen in his hand and a leather jacket slung over his right shoulder. Armed with a false sense of confidence based solely on his amount of Tinder super likes, Lansing knew nothing in class would be important enough for him to need something to write it on, but he should at least bring a pen for any ladies that might want to take down his number.
Read MoreStudents at Florida State are not quite sure if their advisors exist. After e-mailing her advisor and then later trying to meet with her in person, student Valerie Manning was still unable to talk to someone about her classes.
Read MoreAfter wrapping up a restful winter break in their respective hometowns, most members of the “Tally Frandz ;)” GroupMe have returned to school refreshed, reenergized and ready to brutally exile sophomore Alec Wellington from all friend activities for the remainder of their time at Florida State.
Read MoreA new semester is here and Florida State students are returning to Tallahassee well rested and ready to take on the new year. Common resolutions include losing weight, studying more, and trying not to cry oneself to sleep as after experiencing the crushing realization that life is inherently meaningless and nothing matters.
Read MoreWith finals wrapping up and the start of winter break, FSU students are now beginning the riveting car rides back home consisting of “no I totally do not have to pee” reassurances and keeping your cool about not playing “I Spy” because you’re an adult now.
Read MoreFlorida State student Shane Sage has been hitting up his crew nonstop this week but cannot seem to find anyone to turn up with him. His closest friend and trusted confidante Durg Boomer finally took a break from Orgo to remind Shane that everyone, including him has finals this week and that pregaming in his dorm room before grinding on girls who definitely won’t hook up with him but will let him buy them several drinks with his fake ID is not the best use of his time, at least not this week.
Read MoreYour parents began work early Monday morning transforming their luxurious coital lair back into your boring old bedroom. Your mother lamented the passing of time as she began to take down the plentiful dildos lining the walls of your room.
Read MoreAs the fall semester comes to a close, many Florida students are making preparations for their future, from applying for internships, to spiraling into a black hole of self doubt, to practicing the speech they will give their loved ones explaining how they failed yet another baby bio class.
Read More1. Backgammon.
Back in the day, the REAL ragers were when everyone would drink warm milk and play backgammon while Louis Armstrong played on vinyl. “Pregame” was the 10 minutes spent heating your milk on a cast iron parlor stove before the backgammon match.
Read MoreLocal it girl Cassie Worthington and her friend group, which she refers to as her “Taylor Swift squad,” came up with the groundbreaking idea to throw a party in which people celebrate wearing ugly sweaters and avoid calling them “Cosby Sweaters,” a term inspired by a person that most people do not want to be associated with as of late.
Read MoreStarting off strong, sophomore Lewis Anderson began preparing for his final exams by getting a head start on his inevitable breakdown. Rather than trying to avoid it, Anderson decided to dive in headfirst by spending his Tuesday morning laying in his bathtub and crying into a lukewarm Hot Pocket.
Read MoreAs your Aunt Linda probably says, “It's almost Turkey Day!” That means if you live south of Tallahassee, you most likely have to drive past that god forsaken hell hole some people call Gainesville.
Read MoreA new study has found that, despite being so far up their own university’s ass that they can see out the mouth, UF students still prefer to spend their weekends in Tallahassee.
Read MoreWith finals swiftly approaching, junior Carson Day has announced that he will be taking a break from his night time social media routine until exams are done, and not only successfully closed his Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Vine, and Tumblr apps but also managed to not open them again two seconds later.
Read MoreFreshman Marco Alvarez died early Tuesday morning, a mere week before Thanksgiving break because he refused to go grocery shopping.
Read MoreEach year, freshmen enter college with deep, burning questions: what does homecoming mean now? What’s the theme? Is there still going to be a dry hump-fest in the gymnasium?
Read MoreBetween regular school shootings, rapidly rising suicide rates, and the recent news that bacon causes cancer, it’s often hard to find one's place within all this loss, especially when one’s place is completely irrelevant.
Read MoreDear Card Swipe Reader, Let me start off by saying I know it’s your job to protect me and the other people I share this hall with. But how dare you?
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