Suwannee is arguably the most iconic location of your freshman year, other than the bathroom of The Den at three in the morning where you cried every other Saturday night.
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In the dog-eat-dog world of southern college fraternity life, the brotherhood forged between white men who get picked based on their alcohol tolerance and student government connections is a sacred one.
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Following last week’s stormy Thursday, it’s clear that FSU Alert is somehow still more reliable than your shitty boyfriend Todd. Per usual, the FSU Alert text for the storm on Thursday afternoon went out after the inclement weather had passed, sent multiple times and ultimately did not fucking matter since you had to go to class anyway.
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Lost in the commotion of a busy school semester and a spring break chock-full of sinning, many Christian students have completely forgotten about the sacred religious tradition that is Lent.
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Sometime during the past week an ominous new statue of Robert Manning Strozier was installed right on the ledge you have too many memories of sitting on and deep breathing yourself through a 4 AM finals week panic attack.
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As Florida State University works to take down the remaining skeleton of the once not-so-great Kellum Hall, students have begun to make a connection between the building’s demolition and the degradation of their own spirits. Both are deteriorating slowly and painfully at the hands of the university.
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The voter turnout rate for young adults is staggeringly low. It would appear that millennials would rather “turn up” than “turn out.” However, students who did cast their ballots reported to have their motivations split between performing their civic duty and wanting to feel morally superior to others.
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Sophomore Blake Cortez has been suspended from FSU on cheating accusations after asking his neighbor what his professor’s name was in the middle of a midterm exam.
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Despite major losses on Super Tuesday and a general underperformance throughout the primary season thus far, one FSU student and member of the Progress Coalition has stated she believes Bernie can still win the primary.
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Attention, all students! Today, from 3-6:30, free pizza will be available in and around John Thrasher’s office. The official statement from his office asks students to enjoy some nice Papa John’s despite the fact that with every bite they take, more and more voters around the county will be casting ballots for Donald Drumpf (#JohnOliver2016).
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Every four years, the world is given an extra day to go about their average lives. While a handful of unlucky twenty year olds are looking forward to celebrating their fifth birthday, the rest of the world is ready to go about leap day as just another awful day as a human being on a rotting rock spinning through space.
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February 28th marks the day that sophomore Shane Bennett feels sorta OK again logging onto Facebook for the first time in a few months after the shitstorm that is Dance Marathon hype time.
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In preparation for his financial accounting exam the following week, frat king and business major Taz Bradington booked a study room in Strozier Library and told the “five hottest blondes within gawking radius” and some of his brothers to come. Unfortunately, none of the females showed up, causing Brad to cancel the study group and take the anger out on his pledges.
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Dr. Leonard Minione, an actuarial science professor at Florida State, was in the middle of a lecture in his differential equations class when he stopped to show a YouTube clip of Schoolhouse Rock: Math Stuff and delayed the class for twenty-five minutes while he tried to figure out “how to make the noise go.”
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As springtime approaches, more and more students are infesting FSU classrooms with sneezes, sniffles and the crippling self doubt that what they are doing isn’t enough to fulfill their dreams. This semester, despite pleas from teachers and fellow classmates, many students elect to stay in class rather than rest at home.
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In a very predictable series of events, that one kid in your class who is literally always on Reddit will not stop talking about the smash hit Deadpool. The movie, which came out this past weekend and is now the highest grossing R-rated movie of all time, is literally the only thing this pasty white dude can talk about.
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On Saturday, February 20th, a Donald Trump victory in S.C. coupled with a single-digit performance led Jeb(!) Bush to suspend his campaign indefinitely. Governor Bush was able to maintain poise during his concession speech, but upon returning home to the Bush family residence, witnesses say Jeb(!) rushed to his room yelling that he did not want to discuss what had just occurred and then slammed his door before flopping onto his racecar bed with his head buried face-down in a pillow.
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Late Wednesday afternoon, business major Zebediah Prettypenny created a study guide for the upcoming exam in his economics class, only to put it up for sale. Fellow students received e-mails advertising the sale of the study guides for ‘five easy payments of $19.99.’
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Coming off the heels of an exceedingly average Valentine's Day, local couple Ted Stroll and Liz Teyger nearly accomplished a feat that had yet to occur since the first week of their relationship. Until disaster struck, it seemed their night out may have actually been free of a knock-down, drag-em out screaming match.
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This spring, Meteorology student Marie Combs will graduate after a four-year intensive program at Florida State University. Combs will leave the prestigious program with extensive knowledge in her field and the ability to initiate small talk surrounding just how crazy the weather has been this week in any given situation.
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