Dear Card Swipe Reader, Let me start off by saying I know it’s your job to protect me and the other people I share this hall with. But how dare you?
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How do you do, students? It is me, your fearless leader, President John Thrasher. I took part in the strangest, most wonderful event at the Student Life Cinema late Saturday night. A film that I had heard much about ever since watching that adorable Wallflower movie with my granddaughter was showing at midnight: The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
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Coach Jimbo Fisher was quick to answer for yesterday’s loss to a 2-5 Georgia Tech team by pinning literally 100% of the blame onto overconfident junior Natasha Greenwood, who boldly predicted Florida State would “crush Tech” and then refused to knock on wood after saying so.
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Noting the failures of previous sexual violence prevention campaigns such as “FSU Men Measure Up,” Florida State University has decided to take its campaign efforts to a whole new level.
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Following his announcement that he will not be seeking the presidency in 2016, Could’ve-Been-Should’ve-Been President Joe Biden delivered an eloquent speech from the Rose Garden this afternoon about the importance of middle class-growth, LGBT rights, women’s rights, the abolishment of systematic racism and pretty much everything else you would want a presidential candidate to say.
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Following shocking reports that a group largely made up of people who have been handed everything for most of their lives doesn’t know how to handle $13 million worth of students’ money, FSU SGA has decided to replace its Senate branch with some plants, some babies and two reptiles.
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Studying abroad is a once in a lifetime opportunity available to Florida State students that often leaves them with lifelong memories, friends and encounters with uncircumcised penises that they will hold dear to them forever.
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Around this time of year, freshmen at colleges all over the country start getting a little homesick. As the freshness of the new school year wears off, students miss the comfort of a bed not made out of styrofoam, food that doesn’t violate any health codes and most of all, they miss their moms. But do their moms feel the same way?
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Following CNN’s three-hour televised reminder that Hillary Clinton is running for president and is in fact a woman and that Bernie Sanders probably invented the phrase ‘fuhgeddaboudit,’ few questions were left unanswered. Among the few was one from most-improved-debate-participant Lincoln Chafee, who wondered, “Who invited Anderson 'Big Ol’ Bully' Cooper to the sleepover?”
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Following FSU’s recent crime alert, the ghosts of Florida State announced that they would no longer be haunting the campus or allowing for orientation ghost tours, as they fear for their after-lives.
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Uh Oh! Controversy! Following the news that University of Florida starting quarterback Will Grier has been suspended for the remainder of the season due to performance enhancing drugs, the collective University of Florida student body was forcibly removed from their high horse of sainthood and reminded that they still rank amongst the top in the nation for violating NCAA rules and regulations.
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Last Saturday night, a group of local students made a wise choice to skip the Side Bar's Ying Yang Twins show and try their luck at a bar where normal people go. Leaving the pregame moderately buzzed or possibly just acting that way, 19-year-old friend Kelly Langford felt a little anxious about the group's decision to go to Bullwinkle’s.
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A new study conducted by sophomore Alex Golden found that even though Julie is pulling some straight bullshit with that new profile picture of her and some guy she met over the summer, the psychology building is still colder than her black hole of a heart.
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Jerry Schwartz was the biggest fan of his high school football team, and his decision to come to Florida State was largely impacted by his desire to attend a school with a great football program.
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Early this morning, Wake Forest Police Department officials reported a dead lamb found on the football team’s practice field. Though they have yet to release any named suspects, a source at Wake Forest has said Florida State punter Cason Beatty was seen attempting to coax a lamb out of a local farm last night with a bottle of black-market sheep breast milk and a can of creamed corn.
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Local hairdresser Melissa Bennett is no stranger to annoying requests in her line of business. From unflattering undercuts to the 20+ girls a week who ask for “something a little edgy and different, like an ombre,” Bennett is used to staying quiet and giving the customers what they want.
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Business major Asher Millstone decided late Thursday night to stop fucking around on Tinder. After downing a Four Loko-Strawberrita cocktail, he changed his bio from “ΠΚΑ FSU ’17” to “Asher. 20 and a half. Love that loud.”
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Can YOU differentiate between the classic lyrics of Missy Elliott and your old teacher? Track your answers and then see our key below to find out how big of a fan you are!
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Upon finding out that her “Ancient Greek Debates” course does not derive all of its readings from sorority-run “news” site “The Odyssey,” junior Stacey Linen reports feeling “so attacked right now.”
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