To my fellow students,
My name is Stefano Cavallaro, and I’m the student body president here at Florida State University. Now, some of you may be thinking, “I don’t remember voting for this guy.” You’re right – you probably didn’t.
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This morning, Chief Osceola had a rude awakening when he received the disturbing call that the beloved FSU mascot, Renegade, had spent the night at an impound lot on the charges of a parking violation.
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This afternoon, now ex- senator John Thrasher was officially named the new president of Florida State University. Despite fervent disapproval from the majority of teachers and students, the College Republicans are about it, and will be throwing a “White Thrash Wednesday” party tomorrow night to celebrate the university’s new overlord.
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Florida State announced last week that actor/comedian Kenan Thompson will be opening for John Mulaney at this year’s Pow Wow. This has sparked much excitement within the student body, most of whom still think Kenan is “the one who loves orange soda.”
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In a shocking turn of events this week at FSU, a football player has been held responsible for his actions. Tuesday afternoon Jameis Winston was seen around various spots on campus yelling, “fuck her right in the pussy!”
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Florida State University has been abuzz for weeks about tonight’s event on campus with acclaimed scientist Bill Nye. This is the most excited students have been for a non-football event since the last I’m Shmacked video.
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The start of the semester has been a rough one for Florida State University. Between a controversial presidential search, a botched new bus system, and those stupid fucking helmets, nothing has seemed to go right. Chief among these problems however is the nightmare that has become parking on campus.
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As the FSU student body pretends to know and care what is happening with the presidential search, two names have emerged as top candidates for the position: interim president Dr. Garnett Stokes and republican senator John Thrasher. Both candidates bring their own unique qualifications to the table.
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FSU advisor Mary Belton has had a crazy beginning of fall semester. Between maintaining her hourly 30 minute coffee break, and sexting FSU presidential candidate John Thrasher, finding time to actually advise students has been difficult.
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As FSU students returned to campus this fall, they were greeted with the sudden reality that the familiar bus routes everyone has come to know and love were completely redone in an effort to show that a presidential search isn’t the only thing FSU administration can fuck up.
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In response to recent events across the country, Florida State University announced today that they are beginning an initiative to heavily arm every RA on campus.
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